- If you hear me call this movie "Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug," don't hate me for it. Pro tip: Avoid article adjectives in your movie titles, especially in the middle of them!
- Legolas is a god. O.O
- Sauron is a fractal, a pattern that renews itself if you keep zooming in on it. Like this:
- Also, visual writers, please make up your mind. Is Sauron an eye or a body? Or is he… (wait for it) a SMOG cloud? Eh? Get it? Yeah?
- And the dwarves get captured again (spiders)! And again (elves)! And again (humans)! And again (Smaug)! Also… WHY SEVEN DWARVES (at times)?! I nearly burst out in laughter when Gandalf gave orders about the "seven dwarves." Like, "Be sure to tell them that Snow White sends her best wishes. Now yo ho yo ho, it's off to work you go!"
- There wasn't enough gold in the statue to submerge Smaug. Also, gold hardens quickly in dark underground caverns and cold nights on a lake. They do not shake off a dragon like sparkles.
- Speaking of that, remember how the stones hiding the gold statue were held back by chains? Chains holding up rocks for many years. Okay, I believe that. But you expect me to believe that suddenly, two dwarves can pull on these chains and not only loosen them but BREAK THEM FROM THEIR HINGES? Dwarves = Mr. Incredible
- Gandalf's staff makes camera shutter noises. Go back and listen. It's true.
- Gandalf had NO REASON to go to the tomb of "one of the nine" [Ringwraiths], a "very dangerous place" he even admits himself. Why not meet his buddy somewhere else? Somewhere closer to Sauron's base perhaps?
- Thorin riding down a river of molten rock in a metal wheelbarrow. Sure, the wheelbarrow might be fireproof, but Thorin sure as heck ain't.
- Speaking of Thorin, he has a lucky foot – literally, stepping on the key just before it goes over the edge.
- I had a bit of an issue with all the CG liquid in this movie. As if the animators said, "Um… we don't know how to animate water and molten rock, so we'll just leave it default 3DSMax liquid." On the other hand, applause to them for animating thousands of shiny gold coins. I imagine that took up most of their time.
- That one dwarf who conveniently knocks over a million orcs in his indestructible barrel? Gives new meaning to, "Do a barrel roll!" doesn't it?
- Legolas is a god. o.o
- The odds. THE ODDS. That the dwarf troupe, including the true king Thorin would meet Bard, whose father was the one who failed to kill Smaug the first time. And that Bard still has ONE MORE ARROW to shoot in the third movie. THE ODDS!! Those guys should buy a lottery ticket.
- Laketown king advisor guy who reminds you of Wormtongue with a hat picks up one fish and reveals a good part of a dwarf's face. Then guards dump at least two or three dozen fish into the river before being stopped – no dwarves revealed. Convenient.
- Either the movie makers continually skipped the long trek from the cave entrance to Smaug's sea of coins, or else it's not far away from the mountain entrance. Seriously, you go through the door, down a small, sloping hallway (where the old dwarf and Bilbo talk), and you're there! …so, why need a door? Just dig into the side of the mountain.
- Speaking of the old dwarf and Bilbo… "And Bilbo. If you see a dragon… don't awaken it." YOU HAD ONE JOB, BILBO! ONE. JOB.
- Speaking of the side of the mountain, if indeed the dwarves inside were seeking an exit when they died (the ones who Thorin states he won't die the same way as), then why do you need a secret door? If the dwarves, once inside their home, can remember every emergency exit, why not just go to those emergency exits to enter?
- Also, there have to be exits – there HAVE to be. Forges will not burn without oxygen. If the caves are sealed, the forges will either go out or suffocate everyone. There must be air passages, and air passages = openings, BESIDES the secret door with the silly keyhole.
- Was it intentional for Smaug's first words to be (in very Sauron-esque tone, I might add), "IIIII SMELLLL YOUUUU." Kinda like, "I SEE YOU," isn't it?
- In Smaug's word, his body is iron – unbreakably strong. …yet his lips are moving. You cannot explain zat!
- Smaug can smell and hear the breathing of a single invisible Hobbit and pinpoint his exact location. Then he walks over a bunch of dwarves and the same hobbit – who have all hidden in barrels of fish and TOILETS – and doesn't even notice them, even when they're whispering.
- Hiding behind pillars does not hide you from fire. Fire curls around things.
- Thorin jumps from flaming fire and grabs rope to keep from tumbling into circular pit of doom. Firstly, convenient rope is convenient. Secondly, long rope is long. Thirdly, ancient old rope is… not acting like an ancient old rope. Then Smaug appears under him and balances Thorin on his mouth. *applause for the circus act* Oh wait, doesn't Smaug have fire breath? Eh, better wait to use it until Thorin can be rescued.
- Smaug can clearly fly. Even though Thorin calls him old (which may be true), he has no trouble flying and shaking off literal tons of hardened gold (or not hardened, apparently) from his body. Yet he finds the need to climb everywhere while underground, even in big open spaces.
- The flash fires did nothing. Admit it. Waste of time.
- All reports on the Internet tell me that the black smog cloud/Sauron = the necromancer. But the movie didn't tell me that. Movie, I feel like you don't communicate with me sometimes – we might have to break up.
- The main orc guy with one eye and scars got from fighting Gandalf in the scary tower trap place to Laketown HOW FAST? And yet it took the Hobbits HOW LONG? Only logical conclusion: main orc guy has super speed powers. Orc guy = Dash
- Still the general Lord of the Rings flaw in consistency of putting on the ring. I shouldn't be saying all the time, "Why not put the ring on now?" or "Why would you put the ring on now?" In either case, Bilbo = Violet.
- I can't actually decide whether Laketown deserves to burn at Smaug's hands because of Bilbo's lack of sneaky skills or Thorin's butt-headedness.
- First scene at Laketown: "Welcome to Venice!-- oh wait."
- Legolas and Tauriel arrive at Laketown to save the day. But wait! How did they get into the town in the first place? Okay, so they snuck in – that makes them illegal immigrants of sorts. So how did they find the exact house of Bard so fast? It wasn't like they could ask anyone. And when did they show up? Kili (who would have been better named KilED if you ask me) hasn't died yet, has he? Nope, Tauriel has enough time to save him – good. Have the orcs attacked? Just barely, enough to make it seems like the elves aren't attacking first, and not long enough for them to do any damage to any person.
- Oh, another elf thing. Legolas and Tauriel both seem convinced of the value of light. So why doesn't 600 year old Legolas's-Daddy understand that value, choosing rather to live locked up as a hermit? Shouldn't he be wiser than Legolas or Tauriel? Gosh, Middle Earth kings are stupid – Theoden, Thorin's grandfather, king of Laketown, king of elves, even Thorin himself a lot of the time.
- I must admit. Rick Riordan did a better unlikely love story than Peter Jackson. Leo and Calypso > Tauriel and…whoever it is she's going to decide to like.
- I didn't actually find much to critique about the Beast or the Spider scenes. I am happy that they actually filmed outdoors instead of the fake indoor nature scenes, which are obvious and bad.
- Legolas is a [expletive] god. -.-
- Oh, before I go. You want proof that Legolas is a god? Okay, let's omit the 100% accuracy rate and the thing about standing on two dwarves's heads on a raging river and shooting orcs with that 100% accuracy. Let's think about Laketown. Bard gets hit in the face with a wood log wielded by a fat guy who reminds me of Mackelmore. Of course, he doesn't have any bruises or breaks, but at least he gets knocked out. Now Legolas, fighting the main orc guys, gets thrown against a wood bar, which should have broken his lower back. Yet no injury or sign of injury. Then he gets kicked in the stomach by an orc foot (which probably has some form of traction in it, like cleats, but I'm only guessing). Is Legolas injured? No, he has enough strength to not only push the foot off him, but knock over the orc as well. All hail the gods of Middle Earth. Sauron the Smog, not to be confused with Smaug the dragon, and Legolas Lovey-eyes-for-Tauriel.
There you go! Besides that, I thought the movie was great, I'd recommend it to a friend or family member, and I'm looking forward to the third one.
"I must admit. Rick Riordan did a better unlikely love story than Peter Jackson. Leo and Calypso > Tauriel and…whoever it is she's going to decide to like."
ReplyDeleteThat's because Riordan is GENIUS.