I just finished viewing Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug for the second time, and I found more things that you should be aware of.
- Bilbo puts on the ring to hide from spiders in Mirkwood Forest. Suddenly, he can understand what they are saying (and how again does that work?)! Eventually, he stabs one in the face. "Where is it? Where is it?" the spider says. Bilbo TAKES OFF THE RING and says, "Right here," before stabbing the spider in the face once more. The basis of the name of Bilbo's blade "Sting," which appears in every following movie (chronologically), was what the spider says as it dies: "It stings! Stiiinggs!" But Bilbo had already taken off the ring. He shouldn't have been able to understand the spider at all.
- Thorin's lucky foot stops the key from falling off the edge and begins to unlock the door without a word to Bilbo because Thorin is a cocky ingrate. But which way does he turn the key? Doors unlock by turning the key to the left, but Thorin turns the key to the right. "YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHOREOGRAPHER! ONE. JOB."
- Just a technical thing here, but watch Bilbo as he falls into the water from the barrel ramp as he escapes the elves. Un-animated, stiff mannequin Bilbo is un-animated and stiff.
- I will once again question whether anyone can explain to me why Radagast must come to meet Gandalf in the tombs. If Gandalf just wanted to find out if the Ringwraiths' tombs were empty, why make Radagast take the risky climb just to do the same?
- Moreover, if all Gandalf wanted to do was tell Radagast, "Evil is rising. Pass on my message to Galadriel," then why didn't he just send that message, instead of a message saying, "Go risk your life to meet me in the tombs so we can pay a 30 second visit to some empty caves"?
- I will once again question whether anyone can explain to me why the dwarves have to go through the hidden door instead of any other way. The mountain was their home, and at least two of them (Balin the white bearded dwarf and Thorin: "I know these walls. I know this stone. You remember it, Balin?") had been there before. Their ancestors had built the front entrance that Smaug breaks through at the end of the movie on his way to Laketown. The forges need oxygen to continue to burn, so where is that air coming from? Even the dead people who suffocated in the room thought there was another way out. Surely there were more emergency exits like that. Why then did they have to go through the secret door rather than any other way?
- Speaking of suffocating, Thorin says that those dead dwarves died "clawing for breath." Smaug has been sleeping the whole time, so there hasn't been a lot of air movement in the tunnels. Soo… how again can nine dwarves and a hobbit stand in the room breathing normally?
- Flash fires are still stupid.
- Legolas is still a god.
- Bard is leading the dwarves to his house for the first time. Convenient son is convenient to come and meet Bard some distance from their house, just to warn him that there were guards watching the house. Bard already knew this, however, because Alfrid told him. So why did he need his son to tell him that they were being watched before deciding to send the dwarves up through the toilet.
- The toilet leads directly into the water. If all houses have this kind of plumbing, then no one would want to eat the fish being pulled from that lake.
- This movie has time issues. Guard talking to Legolas: "What about Tauriel? She left with her bow and blade, and she hasn't returned yet." Well of course not! She's been gone two minutes!
Gandalf talking to Radagast before deciding to go to Dol Goldur: "I must return to my friends… would you have me abandon my friends to stop this greater evil [paraphrase]?" Well, uh, you did just abandon them as they were entering what was really the most dangerous place they visited (Mirkwood) to pay a two minute visit to Radagast for no apparent reason.
The spies watching Bard's house got there super fast, because they had to get the message from Wormtongue… I mean Alfrid, and be there long enough for the son to recognize it and come out and warn his father. And all of this before Bard himself could dump out barrels of fish and then walk home.
- I'm convinced that dragons and humans work opposite from each other. Humans wake up and they're sluggish and slow and senseless, but they begin to brighten up as they wake up. Smaug can identify Bilbo's exact location based on smell and hearing alone ("I can hear your breathing"), yet later he asks Bilbo to repeat himself when Bilbo audibly whispers, "So the legend is true. The black arrow did find its mark." And of course, he flies right over nine dwarves who had spent time in fish barrels and toilets without ever noticing them.
- Most OCD dragon in the history of dragons, being distracted by anyone who yells at him, even though you'd think he'd prioritize Thorin the king and Bilbo the barrel rider, who were conveniently right next to each other.
- So the dwarves have split up, and white-bearded Balin takes a turn that Thorin doesn't. Bilbo calls to Thorin, "This way!" Thorin looks hesitant, as if he wants to keep going straight (which we later find out is a giant pit of nothing). In the distance, he sees Smaug turn the corner. He's not far from Bilbo, yet he says to the hobbit, "Go with Balin!" and begins to run to the eternal pit. He grabs a conveniently hanging wire, dodges Smaug a million times, does a balancing act on Smaug's flexible iron lips while Smaug forgets he has fire breath, and then gets retrieved by the other dwarves working the machinery. --wait, why are the dwarves there? I thought they split up. And isn't it convenient that the rope Thorin is holding is connected to all that mechanical-ness? And that Smaug's breath, when he finally remembers to use it, doesn't instantly burn the rope and drop Thorin into his mouth?
And WHY does all this happen? Well, for the trailer of course! :D
- You expect me to believe that dragon fire doesn't wrap around pillars with dwarves behind, yet it'll wrap around the ground to the point that it'll ignite forges sunken into the ground?
- *Earthquake happens* Son: "It's coming from the mountain." Well how the heck do you know that! Okay, let's just assume you have a profound skill in hearing things. So why can't you hear the orcs trampling your roof, hmm?
- Wormtongue = Alfrid. Annoying aide to the king. Useless and deserves to be beaten with white magician staffs.
- Denethor = Master of Laketown. Incapable king. Stupid and annoying.
- Bilbo at the end of the movie. "What have we done?" But if he's completely honest, he should have said, "What have I done?" because he was the one who woke Smaug up.
On the other hand, the credits song is pretty cool. I noticed more of the background fight choreography this time, and it's pretty good. A lot better than some other movies. I also noticed some of the forced perspective they used to make short people shorter and tall people taller by putting them closer or farther from the camera – that was cool too. And of course, the animation is beautiful (except liquids and stiff Bilbo, of course).
Lastly, place your bets! Will Bard hit Smaug on his first try with his last arrow in the last movie? Yes or nooo?
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Twenty: My Biggest Takeaways from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
SPOILERS! (obviously) DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET AND WANT TO!
- If you hear me call this movie "Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug," don't hate me for it. Pro tip: Avoid article adjectives in your movie titles, especially in the middle of them!
- Legolas is a god. O.O
- Sauron is a fractal, a pattern that renews itself if you keep zooming in on it. Like this:
- Also, visual writers, please make up your mind. Is Sauron an eye or a body? Or is he… (wait for it) a SMOG cloud? Eh? Get it? Yeah?
- And the dwarves get captured again (spiders)! And again (elves)! And again (humans)! And again (Smaug)! Also… WHY SEVEN DWARVES (at times)?! I nearly burst out in laughter when Gandalf gave orders about the "seven dwarves." Like, "Be sure to tell them that Snow White sends her best wishes. Now yo ho yo ho, it's off to work you go!"
- There wasn't enough gold in the statue to submerge Smaug. Also, gold hardens quickly in dark underground caverns and cold nights on a lake. They do not shake off a dragon like sparkles.
- Speaking of that, remember how the stones hiding the gold statue were held back by chains? Chains holding up rocks for many years. Okay, I believe that. But you expect me to believe that suddenly, two dwarves can pull on these chains and not only loosen them but BREAK THEM FROM THEIR HINGES? Dwarves = Mr. Incredible
- Gandalf's staff makes camera shutter noises. Go back and listen. It's true.
- Gandalf had NO REASON to go to the tomb of "one of the nine" [Ringwraiths], a "very dangerous place" he even admits himself. Why not meet his buddy somewhere else? Somewhere closer to Sauron's base perhaps?
- Thorin riding down a river of molten rock in a metal wheelbarrow. Sure, the wheelbarrow might be fireproof, but Thorin sure as heck ain't.
- Speaking of Thorin, he has a lucky foot – literally, stepping on the key just before it goes over the edge.
- I had a bit of an issue with all the CG liquid in this movie. As if the animators said, "Um… we don't know how to animate water and molten rock, so we'll just leave it default 3DSMax liquid." On the other hand, applause to them for animating thousands of shiny gold coins. I imagine that took up most of their time.
- That one dwarf who conveniently knocks over a million orcs in his indestructible barrel? Gives new meaning to, "Do a barrel roll!" doesn't it?
- Legolas is a god. o.o
- The odds. THE ODDS. That the dwarf troupe, including the true king Thorin would meet Bard, whose father was the one who failed to kill Smaug the first time. And that Bard still has ONE MORE ARROW to shoot in the third movie. THE ODDS!! Those guys should buy a lottery ticket.
- Laketown king advisor guy who reminds you of Wormtongue with a hat picks up one fish and reveals a good part of a dwarf's face. Then guards dump at least two or three dozen fish into the river before being stopped – no dwarves revealed. Convenient.
- Either the movie makers continually skipped the long trek from the cave entrance to Smaug's sea of coins, or else it's not far away from the mountain entrance. Seriously, you go through the door, down a small, sloping hallway (where the old dwarf and Bilbo talk), and you're there! …so, why need a door? Just dig into the side of the mountain.
- Speaking of the old dwarf and Bilbo… "And Bilbo. If you see a dragon… don't awaken it." YOU HAD ONE JOB, BILBO! ONE. JOB.
- Speaking of the side of the mountain, if indeed the dwarves inside were seeking an exit when they died (the ones who Thorin states he won't die the same way as), then why do you need a secret door? If the dwarves, once inside their home, can remember every emergency exit, why not just go to those emergency exits to enter?
- Also, there have to be exits – there HAVE to be. Forges will not burn without oxygen. If the caves are sealed, the forges will either go out or suffocate everyone. There must be air passages, and air passages = openings, BESIDES the secret door with the silly keyhole.
- Was it intentional for Smaug's first words to be (in very Sauron-esque tone, I might add), "IIIII SMELLLL YOUUUU." Kinda like, "I SEE YOU," isn't it?
- In Smaug's word, his body is iron – unbreakably strong. …yet his lips are moving. You cannot explain zat!
- Smaug can smell and hear the breathing of a single invisible Hobbit and pinpoint his exact location. Then he walks over a bunch of dwarves and the same hobbit – who have all hidden in barrels of fish and TOILETS – and doesn't even notice them, even when they're whispering.
- Hiding behind pillars does not hide you from fire. Fire curls around things.
- Thorin jumps from flaming fire and grabs rope to keep from tumbling into circular pit of doom. Firstly, convenient rope is convenient. Secondly, long rope is long. Thirdly, ancient old rope is… not acting like an ancient old rope. Then Smaug appears under him and balances Thorin on his mouth. *applause for the circus act* Oh wait, doesn't Smaug have fire breath? Eh, better wait to use it until Thorin can be rescued.
- Smaug can clearly fly. Even though Thorin calls him old (which may be true), he has no trouble flying and shaking off literal tons of hardened gold (or not hardened, apparently) from his body. Yet he finds the need to climb everywhere while underground, even in big open spaces.
- The flash fires did nothing. Admit it. Waste of time.
- All reports on the Internet tell me that the black smog cloud/Sauron = the necromancer. But the movie didn't tell me that. Movie, I feel like you don't communicate with me sometimes – we might have to break up.
- The main orc guy with one eye and scars got from fighting Gandalf in the scary tower trap place to Laketown HOW FAST? And yet it took the Hobbits HOW LONG? Only logical conclusion: main orc guy has super speed powers. Orc guy = Dash
- Still the general Lord of the Rings flaw in consistency of putting on the ring. I shouldn't be saying all the time, "Why not put the ring on now?" or "Why would you put the ring on now?" In either case, Bilbo = Violet.
- I can't actually decide whether Laketown deserves to burn at Smaug's hands because of Bilbo's lack of sneaky skills or Thorin's butt-headedness.
- First scene at Laketown: "Welcome to Venice!-- oh wait."
- Legolas and Tauriel arrive at Laketown to save the day. But wait! How did they get into the town in the first place? Okay, so they snuck in – that makes them illegal immigrants of sorts. So how did they find the exact house of Bard so fast? It wasn't like they could ask anyone. And when did they show up? Kili (who would have been better named KilED if you ask me) hasn't died yet, has he? Nope, Tauriel has enough time to save him – good. Have the orcs attacked? Just barely, enough to make it seems like the elves aren't attacking first, and not long enough for them to do any damage to any person.
- Oh, another elf thing. Legolas and Tauriel both seem convinced of the value of light. So why doesn't 600 year old Legolas's-Daddy understand that value, choosing rather to live locked up as a hermit? Shouldn't he be wiser than Legolas or Tauriel? Gosh, Middle Earth kings are stupid – Theoden, Thorin's grandfather, king of Laketown, king of elves, even Thorin himself a lot of the time.
- I must admit. Rick Riordan did a better unlikely love story than Peter Jackson. Leo and Calypso > Tauriel and…whoever it is she's going to decide to like.
- I didn't actually find much to critique about the Beast or the Spider scenes. I am happy that they actually filmed outdoors instead of the fake indoor nature scenes, which are obvious and bad.
- Legolas is a [expletive] god. -.-
- Oh, before I go. You want proof that Legolas is a god? Okay, let's omit the 100% accuracy rate and the thing about standing on two dwarves's heads on a raging river and shooting orcs with that 100% accuracy. Let's think about Laketown. Bard gets hit in the face with a wood log wielded by a fat guy who reminds me of Mackelmore. Of course, he doesn't have any bruises or breaks, but at least he gets knocked out. Now Legolas, fighting the main orc guys, gets thrown against a wood bar, which should have broken his lower back. Yet no injury or sign of injury. Then he gets kicked in the stomach by an orc foot (which probably has some form of traction in it, like cleats, but I'm only guessing). Is Legolas injured? No, he has enough strength to not only push the foot off him, but knock over the orc as well. All hail the gods of Middle Earth. Sauron the Smog, not to be confused with Smaug the dragon, and Legolas Lovey-eyes-for-Tauriel.
There you go! Besides that, I thought the movie was great, I'd recommend it to a friend or family member, and I'm looking forward to the third one.
- If you hear me call this movie "Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug," don't hate me for it. Pro tip: Avoid article adjectives in your movie titles, especially in the middle of them!
- Legolas is a god. O.O
- Sauron is a fractal, a pattern that renews itself if you keep zooming in on it. Like this:
- Also, visual writers, please make up your mind. Is Sauron an eye or a body? Or is he… (wait for it) a SMOG cloud? Eh? Get it? Yeah?
- And the dwarves get captured again (spiders)! And again (elves)! And again (humans)! And again (Smaug)! Also… WHY SEVEN DWARVES (at times)?! I nearly burst out in laughter when Gandalf gave orders about the "seven dwarves." Like, "Be sure to tell them that Snow White sends her best wishes. Now yo ho yo ho, it's off to work you go!"
- There wasn't enough gold in the statue to submerge Smaug. Also, gold hardens quickly in dark underground caverns and cold nights on a lake. They do not shake off a dragon like sparkles.
- Speaking of that, remember how the stones hiding the gold statue were held back by chains? Chains holding up rocks for many years. Okay, I believe that. But you expect me to believe that suddenly, two dwarves can pull on these chains and not only loosen them but BREAK THEM FROM THEIR HINGES? Dwarves = Mr. Incredible
- Gandalf's staff makes camera shutter noises. Go back and listen. It's true.
- Gandalf had NO REASON to go to the tomb of "one of the nine" [Ringwraiths], a "very dangerous place" he even admits himself. Why not meet his buddy somewhere else? Somewhere closer to Sauron's base perhaps?
- Thorin riding down a river of molten rock in a metal wheelbarrow. Sure, the wheelbarrow might be fireproof, but Thorin sure as heck ain't.
- Speaking of Thorin, he has a lucky foot – literally, stepping on the key just before it goes over the edge.
- I had a bit of an issue with all the CG liquid in this movie. As if the animators said, "Um… we don't know how to animate water and molten rock, so we'll just leave it default 3DSMax liquid." On the other hand, applause to them for animating thousands of shiny gold coins. I imagine that took up most of their time.
- That one dwarf who conveniently knocks over a million orcs in his indestructible barrel? Gives new meaning to, "Do a barrel roll!" doesn't it?
- Legolas is a god. o.o
- The odds. THE ODDS. That the dwarf troupe, including the true king Thorin would meet Bard, whose father was the one who failed to kill Smaug the first time. And that Bard still has ONE MORE ARROW to shoot in the third movie. THE ODDS!! Those guys should buy a lottery ticket.
- Laketown king advisor guy who reminds you of Wormtongue with a hat picks up one fish and reveals a good part of a dwarf's face. Then guards dump at least two or three dozen fish into the river before being stopped – no dwarves revealed. Convenient.
- Either the movie makers continually skipped the long trek from the cave entrance to Smaug's sea of coins, or else it's not far away from the mountain entrance. Seriously, you go through the door, down a small, sloping hallway (where the old dwarf and Bilbo talk), and you're there! …so, why need a door? Just dig into the side of the mountain.
- Speaking of the old dwarf and Bilbo… "And Bilbo. If you see a dragon… don't awaken it." YOU HAD ONE JOB, BILBO! ONE. JOB.
- Speaking of the side of the mountain, if indeed the dwarves inside were seeking an exit when they died (the ones who Thorin states he won't die the same way as), then why do you need a secret door? If the dwarves, once inside their home, can remember every emergency exit, why not just go to those emergency exits to enter?
- Also, there have to be exits – there HAVE to be. Forges will not burn without oxygen. If the caves are sealed, the forges will either go out or suffocate everyone. There must be air passages, and air passages = openings, BESIDES the secret door with the silly keyhole.
- Was it intentional for Smaug's first words to be (in very Sauron-esque tone, I might add), "IIIII SMELLLL YOUUUU." Kinda like, "I SEE YOU," isn't it?
- In Smaug's word, his body is iron – unbreakably strong. …yet his lips are moving. You cannot explain zat!
- Smaug can smell and hear the breathing of a single invisible Hobbit and pinpoint his exact location. Then he walks over a bunch of dwarves and the same hobbit – who have all hidden in barrels of fish and TOILETS – and doesn't even notice them, even when they're whispering.
- Hiding behind pillars does not hide you from fire. Fire curls around things.
- Thorin jumps from flaming fire and grabs rope to keep from tumbling into circular pit of doom. Firstly, convenient rope is convenient. Secondly, long rope is long. Thirdly, ancient old rope is… not acting like an ancient old rope. Then Smaug appears under him and balances Thorin on his mouth. *applause for the circus act* Oh wait, doesn't Smaug have fire breath? Eh, better wait to use it until Thorin can be rescued.
- Smaug can clearly fly. Even though Thorin calls him old (which may be true), he has no trouble flying and shaking off literal tons of hardened gold (or not hardened, apparently) from his body. Yet he finds the need to climb everywhere while underground, even in big open spaces.
- The flash fires did nothing. Admit it. Waste of time.
- All reports on the Internet tell me that the black smog cloud/Sauron = the necromancer. But the movie didn't tell me that. Movie, I feel like you don't communicate with me sometimes – we might have to break up.
- The main orc guy with one eye and scars got from fighting Gandalf in the scary tower trap place to Laketown HOW FAST? And yet it took the Hobbits HOW LONG? Only logical conclusion: main orc guy has super speed powers. Orc guy = Dash
- Still the general Lord of the Rings flaw in consistency of putting on the ring. I shouldn't be saying all the time, "Why not put the ring on now?" or "Why would you put the ring on now?" In either case, Bilbo = Violet.
- I can't actually decide whether Laketown deserves to burn at Smaug's hands because of Bilbo's lack of sneaky skills or Thorin's butt-headedness.
- First scene at Laketown: "Welcome to Venice!-- oh wait."
- Legolas and Tauriel arrive at Laketown to save the day. But wait! How did they get into the town in the first place? Okay, so they snuck in – that makes them illegal immigrants of sorts. So how did they find the exact house of Bard so fast? It wasn't like they could ask anyone. And when did they show up? Kili (who would have been better named KilED if you ask me) hasn't died yet, has he? Nope, Tauriel has enough time to save him – good. Have the orcs attacked? Just barely, enough to make it seems like the elves aren't attacking first, and not long enough for them to do any damage to any person.
- Oh, another elf thing. Legolas and Tauriel both seem convinced of the value of light. So why doesn't 600 year old Legolas's-Daddy understand that value, choosing rather to live locked up as a hermit? Shouldn't he be wiser than Legolas or Tauriel? Gosh, Middle Earth kings are stupid – Theoden, Thorin's grandfather, king of Laketown, king of elves, even Thorin himself a lot of the time.
- I must admit. Rick Riordan did a better unlikely love story than Peter Jackson. Leo and Calypso > Tauriel and…whoever it is she's going to decide to like.
- I didn't actually find much to critique about the Beast or the Spider scenes. I am happy that they actually filmed outdoors instead of the fake indoor nature scenes, which are obvious and bad.
- Legolas is a [expletive] god. -.-
- Oh, before I go. You want proof that Legolas is a god? Okay, let's omit the 100% accuracy rate and the thing about standing on two dwarves's heads on a raging river and shooting orcs with that 100% accuracy. Let's think about Laketown. Bard gets hit in the face with a wood log wielded by a fat guy who reminds me of Mackelmore. Of course, he doesn't have any bruises or breaks, but at least he gets knocked out. Now Legolas, fighting the main orc guys, gets thrown against a wood bar, which should have broken his lower back. Yet no injury or sign of injury. Then he gets kicked in the stomach by an orc foot (which probably has some form of traction in it, like cleats, but I'm only guessing). Is Legolas injured? No, he has enough strength to not only push the foot off him, but knock over the orc as well. All hail the gods of Middle Earth. Sauron the Smog, not to be confused with Smaug the dragon, and Legolas Lovey-eyes-for-Tauriel.
There you go! Besides that, I thought the movie was great, I'd recommend it to a friend or family member, and I'm looking forward to the third one.
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