Twenty-One: More Takeaways from Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

I just finished viewing Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug for the second time, and I found more things that you should be aware of.
- Bilbo puts on the ring to hide from spiders in Mirkwood Forest. Suddenly, he can understand what they are saying (and how again does that work?)! Eventually, he stabs one in the face. "Where is it? Where is it?" the spider says. Bilbo TAKES OFF THE RING and says, "Right here," before stabbing the spider in the face once more. The basis of the name of Bilbo's blade "Sting," which appears in every following movie (chronologically), was what the spider says as it dies: "It stings! Stiiinggs!" But Bilbo had already taken off the ring. He shouldn't have been able to understand the spider at all.
- Thorin's lucky foot stops the key from falling off the edge and begins to unlock the door without a word to Bilbo because Thorin is a cocky ingrate. But which way does he turn the key? Doors unlock by turning the key to the left, but Thorin turns the key to the right. "YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHOREOGRAPHER! ONE. JOB."
- Just a technical thing here, but watch Bilbo as he falls into the water from the barrel ramp as he escapes the elves. Un-animated, stiff mannequin Bilbo is un-animated and stiff.
- I will once again question whether anyone can explain to me why Radagast must come to meet Gandalf in the tombs. If Gandalf just wanted to find out if the Ringwraiths' tombs were empty, why make Radagast take the risky climb just to do the same?
- Moreover, if all Gandalf wanted to do was tell Radagast, "Evil is rising. Pass on my message to Galadriel," then why didn't he just send that message, instead of a message saying, "Go risk your life to meet me in the tombs so we can pay a 30 second visit to some empty caves"?
- I will once again question whether anyone can explain to me why the dwarves have to go through the hidden door instead of any other way. The mountain was their home, and at least two of them (Balin the white bearded dwarf and Thorin: "I know these walls. I know this stone. You remember it, Balin?") had been there before. Their ancestors had built the front entrance that Smaug breaks through at the end of the movie on his way to Laketown. The forges need oxygen to continue to burn, so where is that air coming from? Even the dead people who suffocated in the room thought there was another way out. Surely there were more emergency exits like that. Why then did they have to go through the secret door rather than any other way?
- Speaking of suffocating, Thorin says that those dead dwarves died "clawing for breath." Smaug has been sleeping the whole time, so there hasn't been a lot of air movement in the tunnels. Soo… how again can nine dwarves and a hobbit stand in the room breathing normally?
- Flash fires are still stupid.
- Legolas is still a god.
- Bard is leading the dwarves to his house for the first time. Convenient son is convenient to come and meet Bard some distance from their house, just to warn him that there were guards watching the house. Bard already knew this, however, because Alfrid told him. So why did he need his son to tell him that they were being watched before deciding to send the dwarves up through the toilet.
- The toilet leads directly into the water. If all houses have this kind of plumbing, then no one would want to eat the fish being pulled from that lake.
- This movie has time issues. Guard talking to Legolas: "What about Tauriel? She left with her bow and blade, and she hasn't returned yet." Well of course not! She's been gone two minutes!
Gandalf talking to Radagast before deciding to go to Dol Goldur: "I must return to my friends… would you have me abandon my friends to stop this greater evil [paraphrase]?" Well, uh, you did just abandon them as they were entering what was really the most dangerous place they visited (Mirkwood) to pay a two minute visit to Radagast for no apparent reason.
The spies watching Bard's house got there super fast, because they had to get the message from Wormtongue… I mean Alfrid, and be there long enough for the son to recognize it and come out and warn his father. And all of this before Bard himself could dump out barrels of fish and then walk home.
- I'm convinced that dragons and humans work opposite from each other. Humans wake up and they're sluggish and slow and senseless, but they begin to brighten up as they wake up. Smaug can identify Bilbo's exact location based on smell and hearing alone ("I can hear your breathing"), yet later he asks Bilbo to repeat himself when Bilbo audibly whispers, "So the legend is true. The black arrow did find its mark." And of course, he flies right over nine dwarves who had spent time in fish barrels and toilets without ever noticing them.
- Most OCD dragon in the history of dragons, being distracted by anyone who yells at him, even though you'd think he'd prioritize Thorin the king and Bilbo the barrel rider, who were conveniently right next to each other.
- So the dwarves have split up, and white-bearded Balin takes a turn that Thorin doesn't. Bilbo calls to Thorin, "This way!" Thorin looks hesitant, as if he wants to keep going straight (which we later find out is a giant pit of nothing). In the distance, he sees Smaug turn the corner. He's not far from Bilbo, yet he says to the hobbit, "Go with Balin!" and begins to run to the eternal pit. He grabs a conveniently hanging wire, dodges Smaug a million times, does a balancing act on Smaug's flexible iron lips while Smaug forgets he has fire breath, and then gets retrieved by the other dwarves working the machinery. --wait, why are the dwarves there? I thought they split up. And isn't it convenient that the rope Thorin is holding is connected to all that mechanical-ness? And that Smaug's breath, when he finally remembers to use it, doesn't instantly burn the rope and drop Thorin into his mouth?
And WHY does all this happen? Well, for the trailer of course! :D
- You expect me to believe that dragon fire doesn't wrap around pillars with dwarves behind, yet it'll wrap around the ground to the point that it'll ignite forges sunken into the ground?
- *Earthquake happens* Son: "It's coming from the mountain." Well how the heck do you know that! Okay, let's just assume you have a profound skill in hearing things. So why can't you hear the orcs trampling your roof, hmm?
- Wormtongue = Alfrid. Annoying aide to the king. Useless and deserves to be beaten with white magician staffs.
- Denethor = Master of Laketown. Incapable king. Stupid and annoying.
- Bilbo at the end of the movie. "What have we done?" But if he's completely honest, he should have said, "What have I done?" because he was the one who woke Smaug up.

On the other hand, the credits song is pretty cool. I noticed more of the background fight choreography this time, and it's pretty good. A lot better than some other movies. I also noticed some of the forced perspective they used to make short people shorter and tall people taller by putting them closer or farther from the camera – that was cool too. And of course, the animation is beautiful (except liquids and stiff Bilbo, of course).

Lastly, place your bets! Will Bard hit Smaug on his first try with his last arrow in the last movie? Yes or nooo?

Twenty: My Biggest Takeaways from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

SPOILERS! (obviously) DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET AND WANT TO!

- If you hear me call this movie "Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug," don't hate me for it. Pro tip: Avoid article adjectives in your movie titles, especially in the middle of them!
- Legolas is a god. O.O
- Sauron is a fractal, a pattern that renews itself if you keep zooming in on it. Like this:

- Also, visual writers, please make up your mind. Is Sauron an eye or a body? Or is he… (wait for it) a SMOG cloud? Eh? Get it? Yeah?
- And the dwarves get captured again (spiders)! And again (elves)! And again (humans)! And again (Smaug)! Also… WHY SEVEN DWARVES (at times)?! I nearly burst out in laughter when Gandalf gave orders about the "seven dwarves." Like, "Be sure to tell them that Snow White sends her best wishes. Now yo ho yo ho, it's off to work you go!"
- There wasn't enough gold in the statue to submerge Smaug. Also, gold hardens quickly in dark underground caverns and cold nights on a lake. They do not shake off a dragon like sparkles.
- Speaking of that, remember how the stones hiding the gold statue were held back by chains? Chains holding up rocks for many years. Okay, I believe that. But you expect me to believe that suddenly, two dwarves can pull on these chains and not only loosen them but BREAK THEM FROM THEIR HINGES? Dwarves = Mr. Incredible
- Gandalf's staff makes camera shutter noises. Go back and listen. It's true.
- Gandalf had NO REASON to go to the tomb of "one of the nine" [Ringwraiths], a "very dangerous place" he even admits himself. Why not meet his buddy somewhere else? Somewhere closer to Sauron's base perhaps?
- Thorin riding down a river of molten rock in a metal wheelbarrow. Sure, the wheelbarrow might be fireproof, but Thorin sure as heck ain't.
- Speaking of Thorin, he has a lucky foot – literally, stepping on the key just before it goes over the edge.
- I had a bit of an issue with all the CG liquid in this movie. As if the animators said, "Um… we don't know how to animate water and molten rock, so we'll just leave it default 3DSMax liquid." On the other hand, applause to them for animating thousands of shiny gold coins. I imagine that took up most of their time.
- That one dwarf who conveniently knocks over a million orcs in his indestructible barrel? Gives new meaning to, "Do a barrel roll!" doesn't it?
- Legolas is a god. o.o
- The odds. THE ODDS. That the dwarf troupe, including the true king Thorin would meet Bard, whose father was the one who failed to kill Smaug the first time. And that Bard still has ONE MORE ARROW to shoot in the third movie. THE ODDS!! Those guys should buy a lottery ticket.
- Laketown king advisor guy who reminds you of Wormtongue with a hat picks up one fish and reveals a good part of a dwarf's face. Then guards dump at least two or three dozen fish into the river before being stopped – no dwarves revealed. Convenient.
- Either the movie makers continually skipped the long trek from the cave entrance to Smaug's sea of coins, or else it's not far away from the mountain entrance. Seriously, you go through the door, down a small, sloping hallway (where the old dwarf and Bilbo talk), and you're there! …so, why need a door? Just dig into the side of the mountain.
- Speaking of the old dwarf and Bilbo… "And Bilbo. If you see a dragon… don't awaken it." YOU HAD ONE JOB, BILBO! ONE. JOB.
- Speaking of the side of the mountain, if indeed the dwarves inside were seeking an exit when they died (the ones who Thorin states he won't die the same way as), then why do you need a secret door? If the dwarves, once inside their home, can remember every emergency exit, why not just go to those emergency exits to enter?
- Also, there have to be exits – there HAVE to be. Forges will not burn without oxygen. If the caves are sealed, the forges will either go out or suffocate everyone. There must be air passages, and air passages = openings, BESIDES the secret door with the silly keyhole.
- Was it intentional for Smaug's first words to be (in very Sauron-esque tone, I might add), "IIIII SMELLLL YOUUUU." Kinda like, "I SEE YOU," isn't it?
- In Smaug's word, his body is iron – unbreakably strong. …yet his lips are moving. You cannot explain zat!
- Smaug can smell and hear the breathing of a single invisible Hobbit and pinpoint his exact location. Then he walks over a bunch of dwarves and the same hobbit – who have all hidden in barrels of fish and TOILETS – and doesn't even notice them, even when they're whispering.
- Hiding behind pillars does not hide you from fire. Fire curls around things.
- Thorin jumps from flaming fire and grabs rope to keep from tumbling into circular pit of doom. Firstly, convenient rope is convenient. Secondly, long rope is long. Thirdly, ancient old rope is… not acting like an ancient old rope. Then Smaug appears under him and balances Thorin on his mouth. *applause for the circus act* Oh wait, doesn't Smaug have fire breath? Eh, better wait to use it until Thorin can be rescued.
- Smaug can clearly fly. Even though Thorin calls him old (which may be true), he has no trouble flying and shaking off literal tons of hardened gold (or not hardened, apparently) from his body. Yet he finds the need to climb everywhere while underground, even in big open spaces.
- The flash fires did nothing. Admit it. Waste of time.
- All reports on the Internet tell me that the black smog cloud/Sauron = the necromancer. But the movie didn't tell me that. Movie, I feel like you don't communicate with me sometimes – we might have to break up.
- The main orc guy with one eye and scars got from fighting Gandalf in the scary tower trap place to Laketown HOW FAST? And yet it took the Hobbits HOW LONG? Only logical conclusion: main orc guy has super speed powers. Orc guy = Dash
- Still the general Lord of the Rings flaw in consistency of putting on the ring. I shouldn't be saying all the time, "Why not put the ring on now?" or "Why would you put the ring on now?" In either case, Bilbo = Violet.
- I can't actually decide whether Laketown deserves to burn at Smaug's hands because of Bilbo's lack of sneaky skills or Thorin's butt-headedness.
- First scene at Laketown: "Welcome to Venice!-- oh wait."
- Legolas and Tauriel arrive at Laketown to save the day. But wait! How did they get into the town in the first place? Okay, so they snuck in – that makes them illegal immigrants of sorts. So how did they find the exact house of Bard so fast? It wasn't like they could ask anyone. And when did they show up? Kili (who would have been better named KilED if you ask me) hasn't died yet, has he? Nope, Tauriel has enough time to save him – good. Have the orcs attacked? Just barely, enough to make it seems like the elves aren't attacking first, and not long enough for them to do any damage to any person.
- Oh, another elf thing. Legolas and Tauriel both seem convinced of the value of light. So why doesn't 600 year old Legolas's-Daddy understand that value, choosing rather to live locked up as a hermit? Shouldn't he be wiser than Legolas or Tauriel? Gosh, Middle Earth kings are stupid – Theoden, Thorin's grandfather, king of Laketown, king of elves, even Thorin himself a lot of the time.
- I must admit. Rick Riordan did a better unlikely love story than Peter Jackson. Leo and Calypso > Tauriel and…whoever it is she's going to decide to like.
- I didn't actually find much to critique about the Beast or the Spider scenes. I am happy that they actually filmed outdoors instead of the fake indoor nature scenes, which are obvious and bad.
- Legolas is a [expletive] god. -.-
- Oh, before I go. You want proof that Legolas is a god? Okay, let's omit the 100% accuracy rate and the thing about standing on two dwarves's heads on a raging river and shooting orcs with that 100% accuracy. Let's think about Laketown. Bard gets hit in the face with a wood log wielded by a fat guy who reminds me of Mackelmore. Of course, he doesn't have any bruises or breaks, but at least he gets knocked out. Now Legolas, fighting the main orc guys, gets thrown against a wood bar, which should have broken his lower back. Yet no injury or sign of injury. Then he gets kicked in the stomach by an orc foot (which probably has some form of traction in it, like cleats, but I'm only guessing). Is Legolas injured? No, he has enough strength to not only push the foot off him, but knock over the orc as well. All hail the gods of Middle Earth. Sauron the Smog, not to be confused with Smaug the dragon, and Legolas Lovey-eyes-for-Tauriel.

There you go! Besides that, I thought the movie was great, I'd recommend it to a friend or family member, and I'm looking forward to the third one.

Nineteen: "Mnemosyne" – I Hate[d] Dogs

A reminder that "mnemosyne" means "memory" in Latin, and it's the tag I use in my blog titles for two reasons. One, because I want to sound cool, and Latin words sound cool. Two, because I talk about a specific memory here.

This time, we'll be talking about dogs, and my rich personal history with them.

I couldn't have been older than four when I had my first major encounter with a canine – a full grown golden retriever. I was with my dad and one of his long time friends, and I believe they were talking and casually playing fetch with the long-time-friend's dog. Of course, at the time, as a little kid around a big dog, I had my respect for the animal, but I was ok with standing out there with them.

Until I started walking away and the Frisbee (as I remember it) flew over my head, and the dog started running towards me. Well, "at" me. And I panicked.

And ran.

And didn't get very far before the retriever lost interest in the fetch object and came after the little kid running away from it (him?... I'm afraid to say cause I don't remember the dog's gender). All told, the harrowing scene which scared my childhood life ended with me on the ground and the dog sitting on top of me.

Not cool.
In fact, I spent the next... eh, eight years of my life? Maybe ten. And I lived in somewhat mortal fear of dogs. If the dog was around, I wasn't. I could not stand to be within the "range" of a dog collared by leash. They were evil, scary creatures to me that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.

Specifically, I can tell you about my grandparents' dog, which I spent a good amount of time around when we moved back to Atlanta from Dallas, Texas six years back (wow, six years now o3o ). A lively Jack Russell Terrier mix called Lucy.
Um, the only thing worse than big dogs is small dogs. Because small dogs are faster and more agile, which makes them better at trying to kill you when you aren't looking. Usually when we visited my grandparents, Lucy would be tied to a leash, and I never entered the range of that leash, or even got close.
Those oh so frightful times when Lucy accidentally or purposely got loose? Yeah, I'd be running up the stairs in fear of my life.

But, as could only be expected from a story like this, time went on. Eventually, I could get close to her and pet her while she sat. Of course, as soon as she got up or jerked her head for any reason, I'd be gone in a flash, safely out of range.
And then I'd be next to Dad and a loose Lucy, playing fetch and letting her keep her attention on him rather than me.
And I spent time around other more docile dogs.
And by the time I was about fourteen or fifteen, I was ok with dogs. I'm sure maturity (and getting taller) had something to do with it, but I didn't mind dogs.
It wasn't long after that before I came to enjoy them. Lucy and I have now reached the point where, if I am sitting down in a place she can be within reach, she will come and sit in front of me (without me telling her to do anything) and wait to be scratched.
My dad has taught me about caring for dogs and the sweet spots for scratching them and all these kinds of things.
Nowadays, dogs aren't so bad.

Just so long as they aren't sitting on me.

Fourteen: Nicholas Flamel, Alchymist, Part 2A

[This article was written a month or two ago and I can't really be bothered to finish it. Do yourself the favor and never read these books ever. I do promise to return to what makes good and bad stories from a technical angle though. It will be fun.]

Here are some more issues I have with the first story in the book series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel by Michael Scott.

So this is something that I'll talk about later when I discuss what makes a good story (as opposed to a bad one like I am here). For a story to be engaging, it must have character development. Each character must have a flaw or issue that must be worked through. Take my word for it for now, but I'll give examples in a future blog.

This story has no character development.

Alright, I suppose this could be argued. But seriously. Sophie and Josh have no flaws. They're just confused, and they have every right to be. If I wasn't a critical thinker, I would be confused too.

As it is, the story is also very very very predictable. By the time the heroes are comfortable in the Shadow Realm, I guessed how the battle would end. I was correct. 

When they arrived at the Witch's place in Ojai, I assumed that Dee would talk to Josh and then attack. When Dee goes all necromancer and resurrects the graveyard, I guessed that Josh would save the day.

I was correct.

In my opinion, a good story leaves me scratching my head. I shouldn't be able to make a guess even if I wanted to because it's all so confusing and interesting. In this story, I am disappointed because not only can I make a guess, I'm also correct. It's not even that I assume one thing, and then the author cleverly turns a missed detail around to give me an, "Ahhhh!" moment. Nope. Just predicable BS.

But back to what I was saying earlier. No one has flaws. 

Pernelle is perfect in her little deus ex machina world. 

Flamel is perfect – he's the good guy getting questioned by Josh. He's always calm, always wise, always without mistakes. Seriously, the guy makes no mistakes other than letting Dee catch up to him. But that had to happen so that the story could, now didn't it?

Again, Josh and Sophie are also relatively perfect. They love each other. They deal with the stress normally. They ask good questions. They don't get mad. Not even one of them gets mad.

"But Josh questioning Flamel!" you say. "Surely that's some development." No, that's a natural reaction. And even if it was development, tell me what he learns from it. He spends a loooong time questioning Flamel after this, even Mars.

One thing that started to annoy me by the end of the first book (and continues to annoy me as I read into the third out of five) is something the author Scott is doing just to be cool. 

Did/Do you realize how many times he uses some variation of the line, "'......,' he spoke in a language that had not been uttered in a millennia"?? 

It's as if all these bad guys and gods and legends decided that the, "don't use the ancient languages for as long as you can" contest was over and all of a sudden everyone's speaking ancient Greek dialects and Elder tongues and on and on. For the first time since the dawn of man, apparently. 

Seriously, one use of this kind of thing is fine. Twice is tolerable. Three or more? Shame on you!

Lastly. Remember last time when I mentioned that I thought this book series so far was crap with just a sprinkling of bacon bits on top? What did I mean by that?

Well, bacon bits make anything taste better.

Similarly, there's just enough in this generally lacking series to keep me reading. If only to slam it harder, but I'm still reading. So it's a tasteless series, but not so much as to make me spit it out. Not yet.

However, I am not at all hesitant to yell at the chef a little, as you've seen here.

Book 2, coming soon (later)!

Eighteen: Keeping Time

Try to imagine a life without timekeeping.

You probably can't. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie.

Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check it's watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays.

Man alone measures time.

Man alone chimes the hour.

And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.

A fear of time running out.

~Anonymous (not me)

Seventeen: [Review] My Jams - HalyconicFalconX

Finally back online! Literally been locked out of my G+ account for the last month. <_> But we're back. Woo.

What better way to kick it off than with some music? Here, click this link and start playing the music, then come back here.

In fact, you know what? Let's just talk about some of my favorite music, artist by artist and style by style. I'll be using a bit of technical jargon every now and again, but if you don't know much about music, stick around – you might learn something.

If this post seems too long for you (and it might), consider reading it in sections! Read about #3 and 2 first, and the come back for #1 later, if that suits you better than a wall of text all at once.

HalyconicFalconX

AKA Phyrnna. Gal composer, if you couldn't tell. Made the music you're listening to, primarily for the purpose of this great computer game called Epic Battle Fantasy V (EBF5). But that's beside the point.

Alright. My Top 3 list of Phyrnna's music, all of them from EBF5.

3. Elfin (click to listen)

If you know anything about self-composing, you can recognize when music is done locally – i.e. not with a band or an orchestra. I can identify no more than 5, maybe 6 instruments, all from a keyboard, playing at the same time at any point in this song. And to create such a rich sound, that's pretty impressive.

There's something about the percussion in this song – the drums – that make it iconic to Phyrnna's music. They sound hollow, like they're kinda a ways down the road but you can still hear them... I'm not sure if it's due to an audio filter or just reverb, but it's pretty dang cool.

The other interesting part of this song is that it has no carrying melody. Many songs have that one instrument – the violin, electric guitar, piano, etc. – that plays the notes that someone would sing if the song had words. This song has no melody; instead, it's ambient. Ambient music is simply songs that (surprise, surprise) have no defining melody. Therefore, they tend to blend into the background a bit when you listen to them, and they make for great listening music when you're concentrating on something.

I could turn a shadowed eye to the fact that this song has some uncomfortable pan to it. Pan is when sounds come only out of one ear or the other. Like, put some headphones on if you have em and listen to the first bit of this song. You feel that humming buzz where the electric piano pulses rapidly between your ears? That's called a pan. A rapid pan, for that song.

Elfin is a bit different in that the pan is more subtle, but if you listen through to the different sets of strings, you'll hear that some seem to be coming from the front left, some from the front right, and some from almost behind you. Was this intentional? Yes, it was meant to add some flavor to the song. Is it inherently bad? No absolutely not. I just don't like it. It doesn't feel like it fits for me, especially since the strings spend a lot of time in my right ear more than my left. It's just distracting, I guess, since I almost always listen to music with headphones.

2. Crystalis Fantasia (press ze hyperlink)

I have a question for you! Is this song ambient or not?

Do you have an answer? Seriously, come up with one, cause I wanna compare my answer to yours.

In theory, there's no melody to the song, and yet if you listen to it a dozen times like I have, you can definitely sing along, which is usually less defined in ambient music.

I think the reason this song is so tricky to identify is because it uses runs. You know, the bell things that go high to low "du-nuh-nuh-nuh" over and over, just changing patterns. These are four notes which make up a chord, like C, F, G, or Aminor. 

And then there's a second run going which is deeper and rolls up and down.

And then the pounding percussion.

And then halfway through the song, the electric guitar kicks in (played from a keyboard by the way, I can promise you), which only strengthens the fact that the song is being played in chord blocks. The C section, then the Aminor section than the Eminor section and on and on.

So does it have a melody or not? Ambient or not? My answers respectively are no and arguably yes, but I won't hold tight to my claim. It's a beautifully crafted driving winter song – a jarring shake in our usual expectations of joyous belled Christmas music, yet it still manages to carry a happy demeanor. And I think that while the song doesn't have the melody, the simplicity of the chords makes it hummable. Not melodically, but hummable. Let me know if you think the same or different.

One complaint I might make against Fantasia is... I'm honestly not terribly sure. I think the high bells start to get a little annoying after a while, but I can't suggest a bit with a lower register (bass guitar or something), because that's already present. Maybe the fact that it's always running with no definite melody is what makes it feel so repetitive and generic and ultimately annoying after a very long time... but even that's not a very strong complain. As you can see, I hold this tune in very high regard.

1. Weshdoor Concert (cliiiiick!)

Listen to it for a bit... listen... you identify that the strings are doing some modified chord pluck... smile, cause you know you like it.... drums kick in... oh wait, maybe electric guitars aren't your thing. Oh well, that's fine by me. I still love it, and I'm still gonna talk about it.

This song is different than the other two! Take a guess why.

It has a melody! It's not necessarily ambience! No this song has a definite single note cantable running all the way through it, expressed either through the flute or the weird psychedelic electric guitar, both played on a keyboard, I promise.

The melodic tune is catchy! The background run is unique and iconic! The buzzing bassline makes your head bob. Signs of a great song. 

If I had one complaint, it would be the lack of variety. I understand that the song is meant to be the theme for a certain area of EBF5 – in fact, I think it's extremely appropriate seeing as how I've played the game, and I can see myself running through a forest littered with stone idols and volcanic caves.

Even so, there's that one flute/electric guitar theme and then there's the constant "drun-drun-drun-drun" on and on and on in the bass register for the entire rest of the song. 

Cool part about that is it gets those two parts stuck in your head a lot faster than a diverse song does, but it just keeps the replayability down a little – that is to say, you can't listen to the song for too long or too many times before it loses it's appeal, and then you have to wait a while for that appeal to return (a day or two for me, usually).

I'm not gonna say that this is a better remix, but EliteFerrex, another talented artist, redid the song and added a little more flavor to it. Melody and harmony, and a bridge thing (you should recognize it cause it's not in the original). Which do you like better?

Honorable Mention: Van al Tag and Van al Tag (Extended)

Two mixes of the same memorable song. The first Van al Tag is heavier, due to the heavy bass and snare drums and beeping bass synth all through the song, while the second only has that driving bass drum from Crystalis Fantasia, which makes it seem more lighthearted.

Yet, a paradox. The first Van plays the melody in a higher register, while the Extended Van runs a deep far away guitar. So... really, do the two cancel each other out?

Which do you like better? The first, heavier (or is it really?) Van? Or the more excited Van al Tag (Extended), whose energy is only helped by the fluttering violin coursing through the whole thing and coating it in life?

I think I like the second one myself, just because there's more instrumental variety. They're both really good though, just not good enough to make the list.

Sixteen: Quote Dump 2

If you didn't see the first Quote Dump, maybe look at it here? This is basically more of that.

No offense is intended by any of the following.


Canada: Someone bumped into my chair and I said sorry.
America: Someone bumped into my chair and I punched them in the face.
Japan: Someone bumped into my chair and I surrendered.
Germany: Someone bumped into my chair and I invaded their country.


Dang this is such a good song. Let me play it 86 times an hour until I hate it.

I'm actually laughing so hard because all the girls are about to cry and there's this one guy in the middle that is just so done with all of them.
Are we gonna ignore the guy on the far right's impressive... lady-like chest thing?
And the one girl trying to eat her phone.
There is also a displeased woman in the bottom left corner.
And a hairy armpit above the displeased woman.


On a scale of one to invade Russia in the winter, how bad is your idea?


"Do you ever get up from your computer to walk aimlessly around your house, only to sit back down in front of your computer again?"
"I pointlessly open the fridge too."
"Sometimes I just stand in the middle of the living room and look lost."
"Why am I in the bathroom?"


If you had a room with absolutely nothing in it and the walls, ceiling, and floor were made of mirror, what would it look like in the mirrors?

omg Barbie, you left the seat up.
What the heck, Barbie. Having shelves over your bathtub is a hazard! You could sit up andh it your head off them!
Seriously Barbie, what was you thinking?
It's so dangerous to leave knives on the floor, Barbie! You should get them out of harm's way before you cut your toes.
BARBIEE!!! That mirror isn't even properly held to the wall. You don't want 7 years of bad luck, do you??
Hey... I didn't notice... you don't have any curtains, Barbie!! What if one of the neighbors peeks through the window?
And you can't keep a fish in a fishbowl just like that! It's too small; the fish need water and oxygen exchange – that's animal torture!
omg Barbie pink and brown. Really? You are supposed to be a fashion icon.
Barbie you should keep that medicine in a locked cabinet. A child could take it and DIE.
Barbie, at least you keep your toilet water blue.
Is no one going to acknowledge that she's preparing food in her bathroom?


"My ears. They are ringing."
"Are you gonna answer em?"


STAND
I


If I ever met a genie, I wouldn't wish for a million dollars; I'd wish that whenever I bought something, I'd always have the right amount of money to pay for it in my pocket.


The headline: DOCTOR WHO AIDED BIN LADED RAID IN JAIL


Are you the Sun? Because you need to stay 93,000,000 miles away from me.

Look at the majestic flag of the USA, billowing in the wind. The other flag with the stars on it is nice too.

Do you think prison guards use proactive to prevent breakouts?


Which country has the most birds?
Portugeese
No wait. That's a language.
...
Portugull
Nice recovery.


Be careful making wishes in the
[aggressively slams hand on the table twice]
DARK DARK.


Names child Butter.
Accidentally brings home wrong child.
I can't believe it's not Butter.


What are you doing to stop global warming right now?
"Turning my AC all the way up to cool off the earth around my house."


Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away but girl
Tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do.
I installed a camera in your room.
I'm watching you.
wat


Friend: "What stays in a corner but goes around the world?"
Me: "..."
Friend: "A stamp."
Me: "You just changed my life."
Friend: "Are you ok?"
Me: "no"


Remember this?

You think it's funny.
Except that in Greek, "I am retired" is literally "Eimai suntaxiouchos," which is two words.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...
Disney.


I can't wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I'm going to spell everyone's name wrong so they can't instagram their cups.


Madonna is 55 and her boyfriend is 22.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend is 26.
Mariah Carey is 44 and her husband is 32.
if you're not dating anyone, don't worry about it. Maybe he hasn't been born yet.


Apparently the plural, gender-neutral form for nieces and nephews is "niblings."
This is the only way by which I shall refer to my siblings' future kids.


wow what a bold statement


I as born at an incredibly young age.


Me: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Now I'm lion on the cold hard ground.

Friend: That is so lame. Who do you think you are?
Me: Running round leaving Scars.